Freefalling

Went down to woodlands for 9am service this morning, feeling 'all out of place' - well i never really reconciled as to how to go about having this feeling of belonging no where in particular. Learnt a lot about myself during service - how the dual life that i've been living is actually a fact - how i had even confused myself in the process while straying away from God on the context of being 'too busy for Him'. Learning how i had duped myself into living for quick returns in life and forgetting who I really was - a Child of God - felt like i was falling from the sky all this past year and finally landing on a deep end of a swamp,with no idea what to do.

As i listened to the sermon by Shern, i began recounting and piecing together my life during the past 6 months. It was one rifled with delusions and grandeur - at the very least. The excuses for my abrupt and inexcusable behaviour that I have formulated are simply sophisticated answers which are meant to momentarily quell my inner struggles & pain. I didn't understand my own self - even when i thought that i did.

Ultimately, what i saw in my reflection was a different 'jules' - i didn't recognise him. I was fooling myself all this time, not keeping it real in life.

So, i'm heading out now to find myself. Not sure when i'll blog again. heh. In any case, I think I've a good idea which direction to head towards here on.