Distinguished

I feel like im in a large expanse of water, drifting aimlessly where the horizon is a mirage...as hard as i try to get somewhere. I end up no where.

I can't differentiate love from duty, my passion is intertwined with struggles...i can't see no further than the end of the ocean where i lay - waddle as i like - i find myself going no where, with no fruitful result that i feel proud of. I want to love but yet i'm afraid to do so...because of its complicated nature and history behind both of us. I feel pretty "solomon-ish".

I'm quite confused right now though i've been having a good time - well...too much fun and little time set aside for retrospect - so im not really that happy inside. I read what i typed in this blog and find myself lost in my own riddles. Perhaps this is because i am really afraid of loving someone...perhaps. Sometimes it's really the simple words that i would love to hear that would really make my day - but it is often rare like the fleeting breeze.

I'm letting the upcoming Paintball tournament in mid nov' 08 get the better of me - to distract myself from the immediate issues that i need to work out within my heart - something that i've steered away from for months that i desperately know that i need to work on. I can't bear to love myself at this time because of this - even if i know that these thoughts could be someone's ploy to stumble me.

20 participants, 4 teams - but my heart is confused & hurting.